Always Kiss Your Children

Always kiss your children goodnight... even if they are already asleep! - Mom

Interventions

I don't understand interventions... what's the point of being told I drink too much by a room of reasons I drink in the first place.

10 Minutes Into A Nap

Don't get a phone call all day... 10 minutes into a nap and everybody, and their brother, want to talk.

A Real Friend

A real friend is someone who tries to pick you up when you've fallen and, if they can't pick you up, they lay down right beside you.

Hourglass With Extra Minutes

I finally figured out my body type. It's hourglass with extra minutes.

The Secret To Enjoying Wine

The secret to enjoying a bottle of wine... 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it looks like it's not breathing, give it mouth to mouth!

Never Underestimate

Never underestimate a woman's ability to find things out!

Planning

Planning... sometimes it's EVERYTHING... ;-P

After Careful Research...

After extensive polling and careful research, it has been concluded that you are, indeed, full of crap.

When I Want Your Opinion

When I want your opinion, I'll check myself into an insane asylum, because I've obviously lost my mind if it's come to that.

More Bacon

They should put more bacon in each package... So that it’s enough for two people.

A Good Friend

A good friend knows when to pour a glass of wine and talk it out. A great friend knows when to shut up and hand over the bottle.

It Worries Me...

It worries me that 99% of the someecards that I find funny are too inappropriate to post to Facebook.

My Dream House

I just want a house big enough when we play hide and seek, it takes the children all day to find me.

Closing All You Internet Windows

Closing all your internet windows before your boss gets to your desk is like trying to get the right key in the door before the killer gets you.

The Thought Of You...

The thought of you spontaneously exploding always cheers me up.  :)

Dull Women

Dull women have immaculate houses. And honey, I come from a long line of fascinating women.

Shopping Carts

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve fantasized about running my cart into the heels of the stupid people that block the aisles at the grocery store.

Employee Evaluation

I wish my employee evaluation form had a line item for “tolerating a psycho”… in which case, I have exceeded expectations.

Take Your Child To Work Day

The guy who invented "take your child to work day" probably forgot to drop his own kid off at school on the way to work.

The Smell Of Magic

When I go into a library, I find myself inhaling deeply as I browse through the shelves, because the books always smell like magic...

God Promised Men

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all comers of the world.Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...

I See All These Posts...

I see all these posts from moms on how great their kids are and all the sweet things they do for them. Me? I'm just glad my kids haven't killed each other yet. In my opinion, that's thanks enough! ;-P

I Wish My Mind...



I seriously wish my mind was a DVR, so that I could rewind it to remember the important thing I was thinking about 5 minutes ago!

Write On A Rock

I want to write "I miss you" on a piece of rock and throw it at your face, just to make you realize how much missing you hurts.

I Was Staggering Home...

"I was staggering home and it hit me... when did I learn to walk?" This is one of my favorite memes because it never fails to make me laugh...

I Want To Be The Reason...

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile... then walk into a pole... because you're the reason I look down at my phone and smile... then walk into a pole... ; )

Happy Hour

I used to think "Happy Hour" was at 5:00. Turns out it is the 60 minutes between your kids going to bed and you going to bed.

I Smile : )

Every time I think about you, I smile... you make my world a happy one! : )

I Resign!

I officially resign from adulthood! All decisions will be made through eenie-meenie-minee-moe and arguments settled by sticking out my tongue, I'll be at recess if you need me! But, don't coming looking for me with any problems you may have, because I'm a kid now and my biggest worry is whether to choose chocolate or vanilla... ; )

I Don't Do...

I don't do that keep calm and carry on thing... I prefer the swear & break stuff thing... ;-P

My Voicemail Greeting

My voicemail greeting is now a Just Bieber song. If you can make it to the end without hanging up then I'll listen to the message, because obviously it's important! ;-P

Sugar You Up

I'm going to sugar you up and send you home after a whole day with no nap and giving in to every request... said EVERY Grandparent ever! ;-P

Let The Problem Sort Itself Out

Look, I'm not saying, "Let's go kill all the stupid people"... I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out... it seems the only truly humane way... ;-P

You Would Understand...

If you met my family, you would totally understand!

To Go Please

I'll have a café-mocha-vodka-valium latte to go please.... and make it snappy!

I Love My Job!

I LOVE MY JOB! (The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem)

 

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss, and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey,
and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often, though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I am happy to be here, I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm,I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job-I'll say it again,
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white suits to take me away!

I Live In My Pajamas

I live in my pajamas unless I am going somewhere... or I know someone is about to come over to my house... even then, it's iffy... ;-P

I Daydream About A World

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about a world where children clean up after themselves, the things I want are always 75% off, and vodka is good for you... ;-P

I'd Rather Regret

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done." ~ Lucille Ball

 





I so agree with her! I would rather be laying on my deathbed knowing that at least I took a chance and failed rather than to have not taken the chance to see if I could have succeeded... regret is such a terrible thing...

6 Locks

My friend has 6 locks on her door. She said her theory is to only lock 3. That way, if a thief tries to pick the locks, he'll always be locking three of them no matter how he does it.

"Mind Her Own Business"

I you wanted your mother to "mind her own business", you shouldn't be 27, unemployed, and living in her house... and, yes, living in the basement and/or the garage still counts as living in the house. ;-P

Yellow Lights

There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights. I can't tell you how many times I've almost rear-ended a car because the driver slammed on their brakes because the green light turned yellow as they were entering the intersection... makes for some very scary and frustrating driving.

Every Father

Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.

That Thing You Do

You know that thing you do when you move your mouth and talk? Stop doing that, it’s annoying.

Your First Mistake

Your first mistake was to assume you had the mental capacity to be either witty or sarcastic.

4 Out of 5 Voices

4 out of 5 voices in my head think you're an idiot. The other one is deciding where to bury you. ;-P

Inner Peace

My therapist told me the way to find inner peace was to finish things I had already started. Today I finished 2 bottles of wine and a cake... I feel better already!

When I Die

When I die, I will need someone to delete my Google search history immediately. And without judgment. I'm serious... and without judgment... ;-P

You have A Tail

You have a tail because we eat GMOs (genetically modified foods), chemical fertilizers, and pesticides. On the bright side, you can use it to run faster.