The Pearly Gates

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Are You An Optimist, A Pessimist Or A Realist?

The Lawsuit

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded his attorney.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin'... what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all dem ugly women I slept with?"

The Anniversary Dinner

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

When Your Favorite Song Comes On

Buffalo Chicken Bites

Football season is officially upon us, and what goes better with a football game than buffalo chicken bites? These are easy to make and with a spicy kick! Plus, you can make these ahead of time and then pop in the oven just before company comes over!

Ingredients:

3 cups shredded cooked chicken
1/4 hot sauce
3 1/2 ounces softened cream cheese
1 3/4 cups sharp shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 cup chopped green onions
1 cup all-purpose flour
4 eggs, lightly beaten
3 cups crushed corn flakes cereal

Directions:

1.  Preheat oven to 350˚F.

2.  Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.
3.  In a large bowl, combine chicken, cream cheese and hot sauce, cheddar cheese and green onions.

4.  Roll a heaping tablespoon of mixture into a 1½-inch ball and place onto a plate or separate baking sheet.

5.  Repeat with the remaining mixture.
6.  Place flour in a shallow dish.
7.  In a second shallow dish, place eggs.
8.  In a third shallow dish, place the cornflakes.
9.  Dip each chicken ball first into the flour, then the egg and ending with the corn flakes.

10. Place on the prepared baking sheet and bake for 20 to 25 minutes.

11. Serve warm with ranch or blue cheese dressing.

The Order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Complimentary Peanuts

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!"

Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."

Zucchini Chips

Zucchini chips are an incredibly yummy and healthy treat for when you are craving something salty and crunchy! My family absolutely loves this nutritious snack!

Ingredients:

1/4 cup breadcrumbs
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
2 tablespoons milk
2 1/2 cups sliced zucchini
Cooking spray

Directions:

1.  Preheat oven to 425°.
2.  Combine first five ingredients in a medium bowl, stirring with a whisk.

3.  Place milk in a shallow bowl and dip zucchini slices in the milk

4.  Sprinkle zucchini  with breadcrumb mixture and place coated slices on an ovenproof wire rack coated with cooking spray; place rack on a baking sheet.

5.  Bake at 425° for 30 minutes or until browned and crisp.

6.  Serve immediately.

Scottish Baseball

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and, after a base hit, he hears the fans roaring,"Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

Granola Bark

I love this easy to make no-bake recipe that the entire family will love as a breakfast on the go or an afternoon treat!

Ingredients:

8 ounces bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
1/2 cup granola
1/4 cup dried fruit of your choice
1/4 cup slivered almonds (lightly toasted)

Directions:

1.  Line the bottom and sides of an 8-inch square baking pan with foil.
2.  Place chocolate in a heatproof bowl set over a pan of simmering water; do not let water boil or allow bowl to touch water.

3.  Cook, stirring often, until chocolate has melted, about 5 minutes.
4.  Spread chocolate in an even layer in pan (use an offset spatula or tilt pan).

5.  Quickly sprinkle with granola, fruit and almonds.

6.  Refrigerate until solid, (about 1 1/2 hours).
7.  Break bark into pieces and store in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

The Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a Labrador Retriever that I was taking care of. While I was at Walmart, buying a large bag of dog food for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).

On impulse, I told her no and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, even though I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I told her I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my privates when a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.

Federal Reserve Retirement

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "Oh, you know, the same old stuff ... church, church, church."

Vodka Snow Cone

To begin, if you have a snow cone or shaved-ice machine you should use it, as the "snow cone" comes out best when using these but, if you don't, you can also use a food processor or blender with ice-crushing capabilities to crush your ice as fine as possible. Crushed ice from a freezer ice-maker can also do the trick.

Ingredients:

7 cups boiling water
1 cup granulated sugar
2 cups boiling water and 3 regular size tea bags (combine and let cool) *try it with decaf green tea
12 ounce can frozen lemonade
12 ounce can frozen orange juice
2-1/2 cups vodka
Food coloring of choice

Directions:

1.  Stir together boiling water with the sugar and let cool.

2.  Then mix all of the ingredients together.

3.  Freeze for 24 hours, stirring well every few hours so that the ice crystals will not freeze around the edge, making it as smooth.

4.  Scoop frozen mixture into a glass, adding enough 7-Up, Sprite, Ginger-Ale or other clear soft drink to make it thin enough to drink

5.  Use food coloring of choice and serve

Slow Cooker Salsa Chicken

Here’s one that’s easy and "fix-friendly"! I used to prepare this in the morning, before I left for work, and when I came home... voila! Dinner was ready!

Ingredients:

2 lbs. boneless and skinless chicken breasts

1 cup salsa
1 cup diced canned tomatoes
2 tbsp. taco seasoning
1 cup onions, diced fine
1/2 cup celery diced fine
1/2 cup shredded carrots

1/2 cup cheese, shredded
3 tbsp. sour cream

Directions:

1.  Place the chicken in a slow cooker.

2.  Sprinkle the taco seasoning over the meat then layer the vegetables and salsa on top.

3.  Pour a half cup water over the mixture, set on low and cook for 6-8 hours.

4.  The meat is cooked when it shreds or reaches an internal temperature of 165°F.

5.  When ready to serve, break up the chicken with two forks then stir in the sour cream and sprinkle with cheese.

Newspaper Headlines

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside the cage, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage, and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumped back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brought her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A newspaper reporter, who had watched what occurred, approached the biker and said, "Sir, that's the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replied, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I had to."

The reporter said, "Well, I'm the lead reporter with the local newspaper and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and, just out of my own curiosity what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replied, "I'm a U.S. Marine and I'm a Republican."

The following morning, the biker buys the newspaper to see if it, indeed, brought news of his actions, and reads on the front page: "U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

The Fly

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and was smashed dead when she hit the ground.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap.

The Bicycle

For his birthday, little Billy asked for a bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Billy heading out the front door with his backpack stuffed with clothes, so he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Billy told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. Sorry, but there's no way I'm staying here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Sure Thing Bar Bet

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the news on television when a story came on that showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump.

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.

"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

The Baptism

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School, so they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you with water."

The youngest one said, "Did you smell that water? What do you think that means?"

The middle one responded, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

Tough Final

Two college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst, Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

The Black Canyon Biker

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

The Cowboy

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot at the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot at him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream Pie

I love this delicious no-bake, easy to make, dessert! It combines my favorite cookie dough and ice cream in an Oreo crust!

Ingredients:

1/4 cup butter, softened
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup mini semisweet chocolate chips
1 6-ounce Oreo pie crust
3 cups softened mint chocolate chip ice cream
1/2 cup hot fudge ice cream topping

Directions:

1.  Mix butter, granulated sugar, and brown sugar in a large bowl until creamy; add milk and vanilla and mix until well blended.

2.  Gradually mix in flour and salt; stir in mini chocolate chips.

3.  Spread chocolate chip cookie dough evenly in the bottom of the Oreo crust.

4.  Place heaping spoonfuls of ice cream on top of cookie dough. Lightly press and smooth top with back of spoon.

5.  Freeze pie 2 hours or until firm.

6.  Set pie out at room temperature for 10 minutes to soften and cut into 8 wedges.

7.  Garnish with warmed hot fudge ice cream topping.

Telephone Technology

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

Cuban Mojito

Like many great drinks, there are many different ways to make a mojito (pronounced mo-he-toe), but his recipe, by far, is my very favorite on a warm sunny day!

Ingredients:

1 teaspoon powdered sugar
2 ounces lime juice
4 mint leaves
1 sprig of mint
2 ounces white rum
2 ounces club soda

Directions:

1. Place mint leaves into a tall mojito/tom collins glass and squeeze the juice from a cut lime over it.
2. Add the powdered sugar and then gently smash the mint into the lime juice and sugar with the back of a fork or spoon if one isn't available. Add ice (I prefer crushed) and then add rum and stir.
3. Top off with the club soda.
4. Garnish with a mint sprig.

A New Virus

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It appears to primarily affect those who were born prior to 1960. Symptoms include:

1.  Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2.  Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3.  Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4.  Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5.  Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6.  Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7.  Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8.  Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

It is called the "C-Nile" Virus.

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

 

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why, yes." she replied, "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

 

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son sounds very successful. What does he do for a living?"

 

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

 

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

 

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada... he has two cat houses in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

Last Rites

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil, man! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his command. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for certain where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anyone."

The Game

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her if she had enjoyed herself. "Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles... but, I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Confused, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' HEL-LLLOO! I mean, it's only 25 cents!"

Irish Iced Coffee

This is my favorite treat on St. Patrick's Day, but it makes a delicious after dinner dessert drink, for every occasion!

Ingredients:

2 oz. strong cold-brew coffee
2 oz. stout (I prefer Guinness)
1½ oz. Irish whiskey
¾ oz. simple syrup
1/2 ounce heavy cream
Freshly grated cinnamon stick

1.  Mix coffee, stout, whiskey, and simple syrup in a tall glass.

2.  Add ice to fill.

3.  Gently pour in cream so it gradually sinks into coffee

4.  Sprinkle with cinnamon.

Rainbow Shots

This is one of my favorite shots, as they are very impressive; however, pulling off Rainbow Shots successfully, takes planning and a little bit of luck. But, with practice, anyone can become a pro at making them in no time!

Ingredients:

1/2 oz grenadine
6 oz pineapple juice or orange juice
1 oz coconut rum
3/4 oz blue curacao
Crushed ice

Directions:

1.  Pour your grenadine into the bottom of a large glass or cocktail shaker and add a layer of crushed ice.

2.  Layer the coconut rum on the back of a spoon.

3.  Place a strainer on top of the glass with all the layers. Quickly pour the blue curacao around the perimeter of the glass, and then, still using the strainer, pour the shots in succession. If you've done everything correctly, you should have a spectrum of rainbow shots, running from blue to red.

Stuffed Bell Peppers

This is one of my favorite dishes that my mother used to make! Whether you choose to use red or green peppers, they come out perfect and tasty every time!

Ingredients:

6 green or red bell peppers
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup chopped celery
1 14.5-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 8-ounce can tomato sauce
1 clove garlic, crushed
1 teaspoon dried leaf oregano
1/2 teaspoon dried leaf basil
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 egg (lightly beaten)
1 1/2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 pounds lean ground beef or chuck
1 1/2 cups cooked long-grain rice
3/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Directions:

1.  Cut tops off of the bell peppers; remove seeds and membranes. Chop edible part of tops and set aside. Rinse peppers under cold water and then place them in a large pot with with salted water. Bring to a boil; reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 5 minutes. Drain and set aside.

2.  Heat olive oil and butter in a large skillet over medium heat until hot. Saute chopped green pepper tops, chopped onion, and chopped celery for about 5 minutes, or until vegetables are tender. Add tomatoes, tomato sauce, crushed garlic, oregano, basil, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of pepper. Simmer for about 10 minutes.

3.  In a large mixing bowl, combine egg with remaining 1 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper, and Worcestershire sauce. Gently stir to blend; add ground beef, cooked rice, and 1 cup of the tomato mixture. Mix well. Stuff peppers with meat mixture and place in a 3-quart baking dish. Pour remaining tomato mixture over the stuffed peppers. Bake at 350° for 55 to 65 minutes. Garnish with shredded cheddar cheese and serve.

The Diagnosis

A young blonde woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over." said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and informed her, "You have a broken finger."

Watermelon Agua Fresca

This drink tastes like summer! If you love watermelon and other fruity beverages, then you'll love this tasty treat!

Ingredients:

8 cups cubed seeded watermelon
1 cup water
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
4 cups club soda or seltzer water
Lime slices

Directions:

1.  Combine half the watermelon, half the water and half the sugar and puree in a blender.

2.  Pour through a coarse strainer into a large container.

3.  Repeat the same with the remaining watermelon, water and sugar.

4.  Stir in the lime juice.

5.  Refrigerate until well chilled.
6.  To serve, stir in club soda, or seltzer water, and garnish glass with lime slices and sugar.

The Lift

As concierge at a posh resort in Colorado, I am often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple, who had just checked in after a long flight, came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

Lava Lamp

This is a drink created for the hippie at heart! They totally rock!

Ingredients:

1 3-ounce package red and blue colored instant gelatin mix
1 cup boiling water
1 cup vodka
1 750 ML bottle champagne

Directions:

1.  In a medium bowl, stir the gelatin mix and boiling water together, until completely dissolved.
2.  Stir in vodka.
3.  Pour the liquid into small paper or portion cups.
4.  Chill until set (about 2 hours).
5.  Pour champagne into glasses.
6.  Break up the gelatin with a fork, and pour into a glass of champagne. A little stir gives it some 'lava' action.
7.  Serve

Bill Clinton

One morning, a teacher came up with a creative way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, "This was England's finest hour..." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you..." Before she could finish, another girl student yells out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, little Jimmy said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Jimmy jumped to his feet and proclaimed, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you all tomorrow!"

Scrumptious Egg Muffins

I like breakfasts that require a little more effort than the opening of a box and the pouring of cereal into a bowl. I love the smell of bacon or sausage wafting through the house, rousing the entire family long enough that they come into the kitchen and eagerly ask “Whatcha cooking?"

Ingredients:

1 dozen eggs, whisked
12 ounces good-quality bacon, cooked and chopped
2 cups sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
Dried basil and oregano
Salt and pepper (to taste)
1 cup parmesan cheese

Directions:

1.  Whisk eggs, cook bacon, grate cheese together in a bowl.
2.  Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a muffin pan with paper liners.
3.  In a large bowl, stir together eggs, bacon, and cheddar cheese.
4.  Season with a pinch each of basil and oregano, then season with salt and pepper to taste.
5.  Ladle into lined muffin pan cups.
6.  Sprinkle with parmesan cheese.
7.  Bake for 25 minutes, or until puffy and slightly browned on top.
8.  Remove from oven and let cool for about 15 minutes on a wire cooling rack.
9.  Loosen paper cups with a butter knife and lift out of the muffin pan.
10. Serve immediately while still warm.

Kool-Aid Ice Cubes

This is a fun-filled treat for kids and adults, alike!

Ingredients:

2 envelopes of Kool-Aid unsweetened drink mix
1/3 cup sugar
3/4 cup water
Lemon-lime soda

Directions:

1.  Spray plastic ice cube tray lightly with cooking spray and set aside.

2.  Combine drink mix and sugar in glass measuring cup by gradually adding water and then stirring until drink mix is completely dissolved.
3.  Pour evenly into prepared ice cube tray.
4.  Freeze for 4 hours or until firm.

5.  Remove frozen cubes from ice cube tray and place into individual drinking glasses.

6.  Fill glasses with lemon-lime soda.

The Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Potato Skin Poppers

One of the easiest quick-fix foods I've ever made and so very tasty, too!

Ingredients:

3 cups diced potatoes
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups sour cream
3/4 cup cooked bacon pieces
1/3 cup chopped green onions
1 dash salt & pepper to taste
14 8-inch flour tortillas
2 tablespoons melted butter

Directions:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Cook the potatoes in a skillet according to the package directions.
3. In a large bowl, stir together the cooked potatoes, cheddar cheese, 1 cup sour cream, bacon, green onions, and salt and pepper.
4. Warm the tortillas according to the package directions.
5. Spoon equal amounts of the mixture in the center of the 14 tortillas.
6. Fold in two sides of each tortilla to meet in the middle, and then roll burrito-style.
7. Brush the outside of each rolled tortilla with melted butter and place on baking pan with seam down.
8. Bake for 12-15 minutes, or until golden brown.
9. Let cool for 5 minutes then cut diagonally into halves.
10. Serve with the remaining sour cream.

The Apology

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car, but I have to put my newborn kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Caramel Apple Cheesecake Bars

 



 

These are a family favorite that come out perfect every time I make them!

 

 Ingredients:

CRUST:

 2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
Cheesecake Filling:
3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup sugar, plus 2 tablespoons, divided
3 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

APPLES:
3 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and finely chopped
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Streusel Topping:
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup quick cooking oats
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
 

DRIZZLE:
1/2 cup caramel topping for drizzling after baked
 

Directions:

1.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2.  In a medium bowl, combine flour and brown sugar. Cut in butter with a pastry blender until mixture is crumbly.

3.  Press evenly into a 9x13 baking pan lined with heavy-duty aluminum foil.

4.  Bake 15 minutes or until lightly browned.
5.  In a large bowl, beat cream cheese with 3/4 cup sugar in an electric mixer at medium speed until smooth.

6.  Add eggs, 1 at a time, and vanilla. Stir to combine. Pour over warm crust.
7.  In a small bowl, stir together chopped apples, remaining 2 tablespoons sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Spoon evenly over cream cheese mixture.
8.  For the topping: In a small bowl, combine all ingredients. I like to really combine it by using my clean hands to thoroughly combine the butter into the mixture.
9.  Sprinkle topping over apples. Bake 40-45 minutes, or until filling is set. Drizzle with caramel topping and let cool. Serve.