Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Do Not Disturb

Some days I would like to wear a "Do not disturb" sign around my neck and today has been no exception. Why is it that when you're doing absolutely nothing, no one calls or comes over, but when you have a full-day scheduled, everyone and their freaking dog wants a piece of your time? I mean, it happens every freaking time!

My Dog

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..." Then I realized that I had just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...

Pinata Of Benevolence

"We have this fantasy that our interests and the interests of the super rich are the same. Like somehow the rich will eventually get so full that they’ll explode. And the candy will rain down on the rest of us. Like there’s some kind of pinata of benevolence. But here’s the thing about a pinata. It doesn’t open on its own. You have to beat it with a stick." ~ Bill Maher

A True Friend

A true friend is someone who knows how crazy your are and is still willing to be seen in public with you. A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "That was freaking awesome!!!"

You Know It's Going To Be A Great Story...

You know it’s going to be a great story when it starts off with, “So this BITCH!” No great story EVER starts with, "So, I met this nice person and..." Never! ;-P

Life Savers

You can develop your children's sense of humor and wit by teaching them to laugh and have fun. Sharing a laugh creates family fun and can lighten any mood we are in. Laughing is the best way to spend time together!

Dog Rules

Dog Rules Simplified For Humans

1. Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
2. Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...
3. Licking: Always get a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
4. Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it is gophers. They are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
5. Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
The Art Of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog to accommodate them.
6. Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
7. Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
8. Going For Walks: Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
9. Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
10. Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, hit wet flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
11. Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them, as it spoils all the fun.
12. Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry and eat a shoe. ;-P


According to the Urban Dictionary's "Word of the day", a Nillionaire is a person without any money of their own; as in, "He looks rich, but it's all borrowed and his bank account is nil; he's a nillionaire." and "Everything's in his wife's name, he's just a nillionaire." ;-P

Every Girl's Crazy O'er A Sharp-Dressed Man

Lovin' me some ZZ Top... " Clean shirt, new shoes and I don't know where I am goin' to. Silk suit, black tie, I don't need a reason why. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'cos every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Gold watch, diamond ring, I ain't missin' not a single thing. Cufflinks, stick pin, when I step out I'm gonna do you in. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'coz every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Top coat, top hat, and I don't worry coz my wallet's fat. Black shades, white gloves, lookin' sharp lookin' for love. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'coz every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man." ; )

It Will Be Alright

Sometimes we go through things that we don't understand and may never comprehend, but we just have to trust in God that, at the end of the day, it will be alright.

Let's Blame Everyone Else

I love people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions... "I did this because you did that" or "It's not my fault, he made me do it"... I weary very quickly of people who play victim... take charge of your own life, which includes taking responsibility for your own actions... ; )

When People Suck The Life Out Of You

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. From now on, I'm going to start interacting only with taxing people who also suck the fat out of me, too... ;-P

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Noah's Ark

Mosquitos are definitely creatures that I wished had missed the boat,,, Noah wished for something else... ;-P
Noah set sail with two of every kind of animal. Unfortunately for him, the woodpeckers seemed hell bent on sinking the ship!


This is so very me... ;-P

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awww, I wish my friends were here."

How To Keep Calm In Traffic Jams

Tired of being stuck in traffic with nothing to do but sit there, just looking at the rear-end of the car in front of you? Well, those days are over with the bubble wrap steering wheel from Whamo! get yours today! ;-P

Drink Responsibly

Growing up, I was taught to "waste not, want not"... I've carried that principle into my everyday life, which of course includes drinking... ;-P

A Morning Text

A text first thing in the morning, isn't just saying "good morning"... it's saying that you are the first thing I think about when I wake up and making the effort to let you know... : )

I'm Not Mad

I'm not mad, I'm hurt and there is a BIG difference... if you can't understand this, I'm not certain as to how it can be explained...

Beer And Viagra

There are many reasons why one would not want to mix beer with Viagra; however, I believe that this may be the main one...

Real Friends

Real friends don't talk about you behind your back and they never betray you even if you are no longer friends... that's called having integrity and it's becoming harder to find in today's world...
You would listen all day long, just to tape it and then listen even longer, just to learn the name! There was no Shazam back in my day.

Morning Check List

Got my keys? Check. Got my coffee? Yep. Got my sanity... oops... looks like we've go a runner... ;-P

Monday, July 29, 2013

A Good Life

A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realize how blessed you are for what you have and are grateful for it... : )

It'll Be Fun

Try the swing, they... It'll be fun, they said... sometimes it's more prudent to not listen to "them"... ;-P

Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?

Be careful who you mess with... if you want to make an ass out of yourself, be sure there are no microphones nearby... ;-P

When You Said...

I'm so glad you found a place to store your knife... at least my back proved useful to you for something... ;-p

I Wish I Could Lose Weight

If I could lose weight like I lose everything else, I'd be a freaking supermodel!

No Reason To Tailgate

I swear... some people are so attention seeking that they can't be like everyone else... they have to stand out in the crowd! ;-P

Sorry Girls

Mommy says no dates till I fit these shoes and, even then, you still have to get Mommy approval...

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, I was sweet and innocent and then BOOM! Shit happened... ;-P

If He Picks On You Again

Sometimes we need to learn early in life to take matters into our own hands and handle them ourselves... ;-P

Ducks In A Row

Every time I thing I have my freaking ducks in a row, they wander off in all directions... I wish life was more like a shooting gallery... ;-P

I Promised Him We'd Go To The Beach

It never failed that anytime I would take my kids and/or pets, five minutes into the ride everyone would be asleep...

Don't Mess With The Wrong Kid

Ya mess with the wrong kid, you best be prepared to get buried in the sandbox... ;-P

I'm Not Always Right

I may not always be right, but I can tell you one thing... I'm never wrong ;-P

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Before I Drink My Coffee...

This is the complete list of things I intend to complete BEFORE I drink my coffee... ;-P

Behind Every Successful Woman

Every successful person, man or woman, is responsible for their own success...


No one, and I mean no one... can know what happened here... ;-P

Today Is My New Favorite Day

Any day spent with you is my favorite day. So, today is my new favorite day. : )

Tom N Jerry

Have you ever wondered when, where, and how it all began? Well, now you know... ;-P

Coma Of Euphoria

If ignorance was bliss, you most certainly would be in a coma of euphoria by now... ;-P

What Is It?

It's obviously a burglar, because everyone knows they wear masks... ;-P

Get Up Every Morning...

Some days are more difficult than others, but you need to do this everyday... ; )

Don't Make Me Mad

And then tell me to calm down... that's like shooting someone and then telling them to not bleed...

Trying To Forget Someone you Love

Is like trying to remember someone you love... it's impossible...

No Spark Between Us

He said there was no spark between us, but he doesn't say that anymore... ;-P

Humor Isn't For Everyone

Humor is only for those who don't allow the difficult times of life to drag them down... I've laughed many times through my tears ;)

How to Train A Cat

Mama's definitely going to get some "decoy" furniture to break her mouser of the clawing habit... ;-P

The World Needs Grandmas!

Grandmas are the frosting on the cupcakes of life! Where would we be without them? : )

Screw Love!

Who needs love when you've got music? Music ALWAYS understands... ; )