Sunday, December 29, 2013

A Dog's Purpose

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, the adults told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane could learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, “I know why.” Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me – I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, “Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody and being nice, right?” The four-year-old continued, “Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Dealing With Some People

Dealing with some people is like trying to nail Jello to the wall.....

Friday, December 27, 2013

It's Friday!

YES! It's Friday! So screw this, screw this, and especially screw this. There, all done. Now what to do for the next 7 hours and 58 minutes!

Monday, December 23, 2013

The 12 Days of Christmas


December 14, 2012
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes

December 15, 2012
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at... your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16, 2012
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes

December 17, 2012
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 2012
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19, 2012
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 2012
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 2012
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their freaking cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

December 22, 2012
Hey Sh*thead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes

December 23, 2012
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those tramps ladies. They've been messing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

December 24, 2012
Listen A**hole:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you psychopath!
Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25, 2012
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and CholeSee More

Sunday, December 22, 2013

My Gift Wrapping Abilities

My gift wrapping abilities are equal to those of a blind chimpanzee on meth.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Divorce

An elderly man in Ohio calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 65 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in London and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

How We Grow

We don't grow when things are easy; we grow when we face challenges.

5 Miles

I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 Miles everyday...

Friday, December 13, 2013

I'm Starting Group Meetings

I'm starting group meetings for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.


Someday, someone is going to look at you like you're the best thing in the world.

Your Choice

You can be right or you can be happy, but you can't be both.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

My Memory

I swear, if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party!

I'm Not Stubborn

I'm not stubborn. I just know how to say no and not feel guilty about it.

Christmas Decorations

There are two kinds of people when they see Christmas decorations at a store. "It begins." and "Santa's coming!"

Monday, December 9, 2013

I Struggle With My Laziness

I struggle with my laziness. I'm like, "Should I sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing?" ~ Jim Gaffigan

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Some People

Some people care too much... I think it's called love... ~ Winnie the Pooh

Monday, December 2, 2013

I Just Remembered

I just remembered I'm an adult and had a little panic attack.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Start With Yourself

Be kind. Be gentle. Start with yourself. : )

Running Away

I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.