Monday, March 31, 2014

My Scale

My scale is trying to make me feel fat again. Jealous lying whore.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Hope

"Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free." ~ Stephen King

Bedtime Stories

I just want top be rich enough to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

You Cheated

"Don't even look at me... You cheated on me in my dreams last night and I have NOT forgiven you yet!"

The Curse

To the 20-something skinny girl making fun of the mom "with cellulite" pushing the stroller - I hope you have a baby with a HUGE head someday.

My Bank

My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

Morning Check List

Morning check list. Clothed? adequately. Keys? Just found them. Coffee cup? Full. Sanity? Sanity??? Looks like we have a runner!!!

My Diet

My diet can best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."

Saturday, March 22, 2014

You're Upset

I know you're upset. Why don't you post something passive aggressive in a Facebook status and not explain the situation to anyone? That usually helps.

My Bed

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I supposed to do.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Where Your Heart Is

If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Irish Blessing

May the dreams you hold dearest be those which come true and the kindness you spread keep returning to you.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

English-to-Dumass Dictionary

I would spell it out for you, but I seem to have left my English-to-Dumbass dictionary at home.

Some Day

Some day I'll be skinny... today is not that day.

Quiet Evening

I'm just going to relax & enjoy a quiet evening at home. Mainly because I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Behind Every Great Kid

Behind every great kid is a mom who's pretty sure she's screwing it up.

Better Days

Better days are coming... They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

The Only Reason

The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.

I Wish I Could

I wish I could lose weight as easy as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, my temper and even my mind!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Feeling Glamorous

I've never felt so glamorous, as I do at Walmart.

Good Luck, Buddy

Just saw a guy checking out my wife. I told him, "Good luck, buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even stand a chance." This card could have been written by my ex. ;-)

Traditions

I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for do long, I may as well call them traditions.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Here's To The Girls

Here's to the Girls: To the girls who don't wake up with perfect hair. Who don't mind eating a big Mac instead of salad. Who don't wear 50 pounds of makeup. Who'd rather spend the day in sweatpants than in skinny jeans. Who love the comfort of t-shirts and sweatshirts. Who don't get all the guys. Who get hurt, but hold back the tears. Who's not "popular" but feels like it when they're with their friends. Who stick to sneakers instead of heels. Who doesn't want a prince charming and just someone to hold her hand. Who don't mind having their head messed up once in awhile. Who aren't afraid to break a nail. Who don't always get their way. Who don't get everything they want. Who doesn't need a guy to tell them that they are special.
Here's to all the girls who are just like me.

"K"

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing "K" instead of "Okay"?

"All Nighter"

At this stage in my life, an "all nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

9 Out Of 10

9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one mysteriously disappeared and hasn't been seen from since.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Two Choices

When I was born, God gave me two choices... I could either have a great memory or be great in bed. Damn! I just forgot what I was going to tell you!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

“The Cockpit Of An Airline Is No Place For A Woman.”


“To Capt./WestJet,” the note says. “The cockpit of airliner [sic] is no place for a woman. A woman being a mother is the most honor not as “captain” Proverbs 31 (Sorry not P.C.) P.S. I wish WestJet could tell me a fair lady is at the helm so I can book another flight! Were [sir] short mothers not pilots Westjet.”

A WestJet Airlines pilot, Carey Steacy, had just completed a Canadian domestic flight from Victoria to Calgary when cleaning staff brought her this written message. The note, written on a napkin and left on the back of a seat, was signed by ‘David’ from seat 12E.

Steacy posted a picture of the note, and her response, on Facebook: “To @David in 12E on my flight #463 from Calgary to Victoria today. It was my pleasure flying you safely to your destination. Thank you for the note you discreetly left me on your seat. You made sure to ask the flight attendants before we left if I had enough hours to be the Captain so safety is important to you, too. I have heard many comments from people throughout my 17 year career as a pilot. Most of them positive. Your note is, without a doubt, the funniest. It was a joke, right? RIGHT?? I thought, not. You were more than welcome to deplane when you heard I was a “fair lady.” You have that right. Funny, we all, us humans, have the same rights in this great free country of ours. Now, back to my most important role, being a mother.”

Steacy said that just as this man was entitled to expressing his opinion, she too had the right to disagree.

“You were more than welcome to deplane when you heard I was a ‘fair lady,’” Steacy wrote on Facebook, according to CTV. “You have that right. Funny, we all, us humans, have the same rights in this great free country of ours. Now, back to my most important role, being a mother.”

“I have two beautiful children, it is the highest honor,” Steacy told the news channel.

Steacy added that people can be surprised when they hear a female pilot come on the line, but this note was the most “raw” example of that. She said she thinks there are so few women in the field not because they couldn’t get jobs as pilots but because not many are applying to flight school.

According to the Canadian Broadcast Company, WestJet declined to comment on the incident directly but said it has 1,118 male pilots and 58 female pilots on staff.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Get Out Of The Car!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's sear. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tied, and then she realized why. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four of five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.


Moral of the story? It you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

What A Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”

“What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, “It is a special day for me. I am celebrating”

“It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” said the woman.

“What a coincidence.” said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant.”

“What a coincidence,” said the man. “I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”

“This is awesome,” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he said.

The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence”