Friday, February 28, 2014

The Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, “Son... what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone! I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

That Moment

That moment you think you're losing weight, and then you remember you haven't washed your jeans in a week.

The Walking Dead

Our morning doesn't look like a cereal commercial. Our morning looks like an episode of The Walking Dead.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Calm Down

Whenever I start to feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I Wish

I wish I were as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Your Act Of Kindness

This was found on a car windshield:

"I saw you get out of your car at the intersection to help that old man, who fell, cross the street. I really admired your act of kindness, not many have time anymore. Seeing you pull over shortly after, I figured I should give you this. Please enjoy a nice dinner -- on me. You absolutely deserve it. GOD BLESS"

Given My Track Record

Given my track record with goldfish and house plants, it's a miracle my kids have survived this long.

If You Love Someone

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Missing

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

11 Hours Apart


Ruth And Harold Knapke of Russia, Ohio first met each other in third grade and were together from that moment on. On August 11th, 2013, just days before their 66th anniversary, the couple died 11 hours apart in the same room. Family members believe Harold willed himself to live, so that he could accompany Ruth out of this life and into the next...

All Fun And Games

It's all fun and games until you have to wake up and be a parent at 6 am.

Maybe Money

Maybe money can't buy happiness, but I think it's only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Don't Mess With The Teacher


A former Sergeant Major in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly.

Rich Housewife

I work hard at my job, but if the opportunity to become a rich housewife arises, I'm taking it.

I Think To Myself

Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself. "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But, then I think, "What would I do without them?"

Friday, February 21, 2014

Don't Start

Don't start an argument with a girl, because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27 pm on April 23, 2008.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Storm

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.”

~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

I Need A Vacation

I need a vacation, but I'm broke. Wonder how far away Calgon. Xanax, and margaritas will take me?

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66) we decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... She had a spiked Mohawk with rainbow colors: green, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking at him, finding him staring every time. When she finally had enough, she sarcastically asked, "Ever do anything wild in your life, old man?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food, so I would not choke on his response. I knew it was going to me a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid, "I got stoned and had sex with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Dear Christine

Many parents struggle when they learn that their child is gay. In some instances, these parents literally disown their children. In a letter that has gone viral, one grandfather is apparently standing up to his daughter's decision in kicking her son out of her home, after finding out that he’s gay...

"Dear Christine:

I’m disappointed in you as a daughter. You’re correct that we have a ‘shame in the family,’ but mistaken about what it is.

Kicking Chad out of your home simply because he told you he was gay is the real ‘abomination’ here. A parent disowning her child is what goes ‘"against nature."

The only intelligent thing I heard you saying in all this was that "you didn't raise your son to be gay." Of course you didn't. He was born this way and didn't choose it any more than he being left-handed. You however, have made a choice of being hurtful, narrow-minded and backward. So, while we are in the business of [disowning] our children, I think I'll take this moment to say goodbye to you. I now have a fabulous (as the gay put it) grandson to raise, and I don't have time for heartless B-word of a daughter.

If you find your heart, give us a call.

- Dad"

Monday, February 17, 2014

30 Years of Wedded Blisss

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for awhile, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels...

It's Important At Our Age

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.


When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a jerk. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Divorce Letter

Dear Wife: I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, "Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!" P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister "Carla" was born "Carl." I hope that’s not a problem.

Ladies Night

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now every-one’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on? to try to top the $50…. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

I Live In A Madhouse

I live in a madhouse ruled by a tiny army that I made myself.

An Older Tired Looking Dog...

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Different Drug Problem

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood, and, if my mother had even known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

(submitted by concerned citizen)


* This was retyped from a clipping from the Avoyelles Parish Newsletter

Friday, February 14, 2014

Everyone Says

Everyone says you only fall in love once, but's that not true, because every time I see you, I fall in love all over again.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep unless my fan is on. Anyone else have this problem?

It's Amazing

It's amazing how quickly kids can learn to drive a car yet are unable to understand a lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I Will Hunt You Down

If you ever hurt my children, I will hunt you down like wild game and do things to you that will make Charles Manson look like Mother Theresa!

A Reunion

Go out all day looking great, and I see no one. Walk out for five minutes looking like crap, and suddenly it's a freakin reunion.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Mommy Loses Her Cool

Let's play a game called, "How many questions can we ask mommy before she loses her cool."

The Look Of My Friends

The look of my friends when I say I don't want to drink...

Monday, February 10, 2014

The Lecture

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”


The officer gave him a warning and wished him good luck.

Good Mornings

The only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.

The Neighbor's Cat


The Neighbor's Cat

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”



This House

This house runs on love, laughter, and really cold bottles of beer... or wine... or vodka...

To My Darling Husband

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XOXOXO



P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!!!

The Cost of Love

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

Louisiana State Trooper's Ball

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in this patrol car and left.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

The Lady Walking Ahead Of Me

The lady walking ahead of me sped up, so I did too. She began running, so I did too. She screamed, so I did too. I never even saw who were running from.

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says,
“I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.”

“I can’t wear these,” she said.
“Darn right,” he said, “I wear the pants in this family, and you’d better remember that.”
“I think I’ll try that on Jill,” Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
“Put these on,” he said.

Jill replied, “I can’t wear these.”
“Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you’d better remember that,” he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
“I can’t get in to these,” he said.
“Darn right,” Jill said. “And if you don’t change your attitude you never will!”

A Plus Side

A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won't judge you because I will also be in my pajamas.

I Have A Confession

“I have a confession to make. I’m dating someone even though I’m married.

She’s an incredible girl. She’s beautiful, smart, cunning, strong, and has an immensely strong faith in God. I love to take her out to dinner, movies, local shows, and always tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at her for longer than five minutes, and her smile always seems to brighten up my day no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes she will visit me at work unannounced, make me an incredible lunch, or even surprise me with something she personally baked. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be dating someone even though I am married. I encourage you to try it and see what it can do for your life.

Oh! Did I mention the woman I am dating is my wife? What did you expect?

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean your dating life should end.

I need to continue to date my wife even after I marry her. Pursuing my wife shouldn’t stop just because we both said, “I do.” Way too many times do I see relationships stop growing because people stop taking the initiative to pursue one another.

Dating is a time where you get to learn about someone in a special and unique way. Why would you want that to ever stop? It shouldn’t. Those butterflies you got on the first date shouldn’t stop just because the years have passed. Wake up each day and pursue your spouse as if you are still on your first few dates. You will see a drastic change for the better in your relationship.

When it comes to any relationship, communication and the action of constant pursuit is key. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to pursue them whole-heartedly.

I encourage you to date your spouse, pursue them whole-heartedly, and understand that dating shouldn’t end just because you said, “I do.”

~ Jarrid Wilson @ www.jarridwilson.com

It's Sunday

Why yes, I am wearing sweat today. I also didn't fix my hair or put on make-up. It's Sunday. You're lucky I'm wearing a bra.

"I Hate My Job Day"

From time to time, we all have an "I HATE MY JOB DAY..."

When you do, try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS.

By the way, SNOPES says that this is FALSE. For further information:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/thermometer.asp

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Adult Versions

Wine, crackers, and cheese are just adult versions of apple juice, goldfish and cheese sticks.