Ketchup

People who squirt ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them are not people you need in your life.

Some Days

Some days I'm happy, but other days I need to turn on TLC and watch a lady eat laundry detergent to feel better about myself.

I Don't Remember

No, I don't remember why I'm mad at you, but more importantly neither do you and that pisses me off.

Strike A Pose

I told my daughter to strike a pose to get boys to notice her. I can sleep soundly now, as a father, knowing this is the look she will give potential suitors.

Mr. Smith

"Okay, Mr. Smith. Just stick it in between those two devices." Awww... if only women could rule the world, men would know how we feel... ;-P

Why One Wife Chooses To Shop Alone...

I guess this is one way to convince your wife to leave you at home when she wants to go shopping... ;-P

1 Tequila... 2 Tequilas...

I don't know about you, but this is how my drinking goes... 1 tequila... 2 tequilas... 3 tequilas... FLOOR!

Are You Bored?

Are you bored? Draw eyebrows on your dog and laugh until his next bath.

New Diet

No lunch for me. I'm on a new diet called, "I have Five Dollars till Friday."

My Relationship

I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.

The Wine

I just got some wine out of the fridge and I swear I heard the wine say, "What the hell?"

The Fourth Marriage

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Funnier It Gets

The longer you look, the funnier it gets! I love animals and the funny and cute faces they make! My dog's funniest expression is when he's trying to "shame" me into feeding by looking sad and neglected. Being overweight, does not help his cause, at all... lol ;-)

How To Get Your Husband To Fix Things

The quickest way to get your husband to fix something, is to get his tools out and start the project yourself.

Beautiful Woman

She can deal with stress, carry heavy burdens. She smiles when she feels like screaming, she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she's happy, laughs when she's afraid, her love is unconditional. There's only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she's worth!