Saturday, November 30, 2013

Another Child

Someone asked me if I wanted to have another child and right before I could answer, my uterus jumped out of my body, into oncoming traffic.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Things Crazy Cat People Do

Things Crazy Cat People Do: You answer your cats random meows with, Yes, yes, I know!"

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing you food for your soul, love of friends and family, and a harvest of happiness!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Social Hangover

Social Hangover: When interacting with people leaves you exhausted the next day.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Monday Again?

Monday again? I seriously can't keep doing this every week.. someone needs to fix this!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

My Productivity

I was going to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Don't Dance

Don't dance like no one is watching. Dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your underpants.

Getting Lucky

My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.

The Crazy Train

I'm not a passenger on the 'Crazy Train', I'm the frickin' engineer! ;-P

Bitching

Too bad bitching doesn't burn calories, because if it did, I'd be a freaking supermodel!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Today's Hairstyle

Today's hairstyle is called, "And I didn't brush my teeth either." Yeah, and these are my pajama's, so, stop asking me if I'm going to Walmart.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Just Enough Dysfuntion

I plan to give you love, nurturing, and just enough dysfunction to make you funny.

Your Gene Pool

Your gene pool had to be one of them above-ground ones.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Delightfully Difficult

I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult." And it would be easier if you agreed.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

I've Been Looking For You

And then my soul saw you and it kind of went, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you."

Kindness

Kindness can be such a random act... it's such acts that makes this world a nicer place to live in...

Friday, November 15, 2013

A Night Like This

I'll Take A Night Like This Over A Night At The Club Any Day!

I'd Rather

I'd rather have you stare at my boobs than at your phone on our date.

Apparently, They Aren't Coming Back...

Seriously, I don't know exactly when the UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people. But, apparently they aren't coming back for them.

Why, Yes...

Why, yes, I have been known to use all the swear words in a single sentence... when I was thinking of a name for my Facebook page, I wanted something that would let people know that I liked humor with an edge, so it never fails to amaze that people would follow a page with such a name and then complain about any profanity or content with bathroom humor that is posted on it... people really can be funny at times...

Thursday, November 14, 2013

You Know You're In Love

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~ Dr. Seuss

The Difference Between Interest And Commitment

“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.” ~ Kenneth Blanchard

My Diet

Why yes I am on a diet; it's called the too rich for food stamps, but too poor to buy food diet.

Be

Be strong, but not rude; Be kind, but not weak; Be bold, but not bully; Be humble, but not timid; Be proud, but not arrogant.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My Dream

My dream is to get through one family meal without saying the phrase, "Eat your dinner!" on repeat. I dream big, I know...

Monday, November 11, 2013

LOVE

Everyone says that love hurts, but thats not true. Loneliness hurts. rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuse these things with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.

No Worse Feeling

There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them... or that you're in their house again...

My Morals

You say my morals are old fashioned? I say it's a sign of being brought up properly.

"What Is War?"

"I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, 'Mother, what was war?'" ~ Eve Merriam

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Wine

Wine does not make you FAT, it makes you LEAN... (against tables, floors, walls and ugly people.)

Just Because

Just because I have the vocabulary of a well educated sailor, doesn't mean I'm not a lady.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

SNAPPED

You are about one smart ass comment away from being my co-star on an episode of SNAPPED.

I'm Not A Princess

I'm not a Princess, I don't need saving... I'm a Queen, I got this handled!

Opposites Attract

If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

Housework

It's not that I don't want to do all this housework. I just don't want to do it sober.

Your Soulmate

Throughout life you will meet one person who is like no other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell this person things and they will never judge you. This person is your soul mate... your best friend... never let them go...

Unattended Children

Parents please mind your children, as those who found to be unattended will be given strong coffee and taught how to swear... ;-P

I Got Thrown Out Of A Bar...

I love to laugh, so it should go with out saying that I love comedy. One of my very favorite comedians is Ron White and this is my favorite true story of his, as told on the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour":
 
Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ***, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]
Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
[pause]
Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]
Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!

Remember When?

...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up... WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?

Friday, November 8, 2013

Wrong Direction

That awkward moment when you realize you're walking in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets pretending you forgot something.

I Would Like To Thank Everyone...

...and last, but certainly not least, I would like to thank everyone that assisted in making this the shittiest day possible. I couldn't have done it without you! ;-P

Not What I Ordered


This is not what I ordered... this is exactly how I feel when I'm on a diet... in my head, I've ordered the double cheeseburger, large fries, and regular Coke... when my actual order of a salad with diet dressing arrives, I always feel like this... ;-P

Thursday, November 7, 2013

I LOVE my job!

I LOVE working for myself from home: I get along with everyone in the office; I can show up in pajamas; and I always win Employee of the month! This my friends, is a true story!

My Awesome Bubble

No issues today. I'm in my awesome bubble and you're not allowed inside.

You Never Realize

You never realize how boring your life is, until someone asks you what you do for fun...

Female Stereotype

I'm so SICK of this stereotype suggesting that all WOMEN wear SUPERHERO capes, when they go to the toilet.

How To Be Discreet

We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth."

What If?

You always hear people say, "I'm sexy and I know it," but what if I'm sexy and I DON'T know it?