Saturday, January 31, 2015

Crabs on a Plane

A man boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and handed them to a blonde flight attendant and then asked her to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's freezer.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, stated that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she got on the intercom and announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anyone in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?"asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses downing them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer, as the Texan looks on in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

The Sacrifice

Eleven people, ten men and one woman, were hanging on to a rope, dangling from a helicopter.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.

The men appeared to be very touched by her speech and, as soon as she was finished, they all started clapping.

The Adoption

A blond married couple were delighted when, finally, their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a beautiful Russian baby boy and the couple agreed to adopt him, without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

The Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While in route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous to us! I lied when I told you I inherited money! He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his butt up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Friday, January 30, 2015

The Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and no longer worked, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the motorcycle, the car, e-mail, fishing... always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her lying in the tall grass, busily snipping away at each blade of grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway!"

The doctors say I may eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp.

The Hormone Guide

The Hormone Guide knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

The Only Pharmacist

A young, good looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, "This is difficult for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

Notes On Aging

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide you own Easter eggs.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

The Senility Prayer: Grand me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do. And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Are You At The Club?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000! Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure! Go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Cherry Tree

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked him why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered that, yes, it was. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

His dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"

The Diagnosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Field Sobriety Test

A Virginia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if he driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old boy from Arkansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”

"Talking Dog For Sale"

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into an equally broken-down backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a liar! He never did any of that crap."

God At Work

PLEASE LOOK CLOSELY AT PHOTO ONE (Don't go to the second photo until you look at the first very closely)

This is an interesting, even breathtaking couple of photos.
Be sure to read the 1st caption below picture before going to the 2nd photo.
Look closely at the first photo take your time… then scroll down.

Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert, where the people are standing on the road, pointing... The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling... The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises. This occurred just outside Flagstaff , AZ , on U.S. Hwy 100.

Now look at the second picture below...

If God isn't done with you, then God isn't done with you!

A Second Opinion

I've got a good friend who married a Doctor. One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".

Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also a doctor. "Why?" asked her husband asked her.

"You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making; I just wanted to get a second opinion."

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Empire State Building

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!"

He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you can be a real jerk when you've been drinking."

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"

The ventriloquist looks stunned.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Not Much Of A Man

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a notorious motorcycle gang walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old mans milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old mans plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

Pray For My Hearing

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now"?

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

The Roll

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby! Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly left.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


The Irish aren't stupid,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But, all men are men.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.

Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap It In Bacon
2. Toss It In The Air!

Love Making Tips For Seniors

The following are top ten love-making tips for seniors...

1. Wear your glasses. To make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

The Fire

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 75. They had fled Europe after WW2, and formed their own town.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these aging Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though, elderly, Norse firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 82-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on the fookin truck!!!"

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Gravy Ladle

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian 

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: 

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom


Miss Beatrice

Miss Beatrice was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. 

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Beatrice had flipped... or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

One For You, One For Me

On the outskirts of a small Georgia town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Meanwhile, several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy
came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he
heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He
just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old
man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.

One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.

Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

God Is Good

You are going to love this - especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.

Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself,

"GOD is good."

Joe Dimaggio

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But this is a special dog - he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"

"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.

"Listen, pal..." says the bartender.

"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"

"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.

"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.

"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"

"Ruth!" barked the dog.

"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.

Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

Monday, January 26, 2015

Good Leads

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"

"Yes, Father, it is I."

"Who was the girl you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and asks, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three good leads."

Not A Damn Thing

A Texas cop stopped an elderly woman for speeding.

He asked for her driver's license, and proof of insurance. The old gal took out the required information and handed it to him.

He was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed handgun-carry permit. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. He asked her if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

The cop asked her if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. He then asked her what was making her so afraid she felt the need to carry weapons.

She looked him square in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

SBF Seeks Male Companionship

SBF (single black female) seeks male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. Loves long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I am a svelte, good looking female who loves to have fun. Call 555-5555 and ask for Daisy.

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.)


Dave was in deep trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds, AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife awoke, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing for a week now. Please pray for him.

"Hi, We're Hookers!"

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The Jigsaw Puzzle

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't find my glasses to figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

How Old Do You Think I Am?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32,' is the reply."

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says very happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a very big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She
goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I am 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He
bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands slowly, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

The Deal

A golfer is in a highly competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am Lucifer, the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Lucifer," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."

The Lesson

This is the best example I've seen as to the importance of paying attention...

First-year students at at a renowned veterinary school were attending their first anatomy class with an actual dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table that held the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

The professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Now, I want each of you to do the same thing," he instructed his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone has finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality, as a doctor, is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. You need to learn to pay attention to what is going on around you. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
Pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitching,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.




I pray for a woman with big boobs.

The Fox and the Goat

When I was young, my grandmother would often read to me. Her favorite stories were those that taught a lesson in life and, as I grew older, many of these stories helped to guide me through mine. As I tend to be impulsive by nature, this is the story that I've needed to heed most:

One day, by unlucky chance, a fox fell into a deep well and could find no means of escape.

A Goat, overcome with thirst, came to the same well and upon seeing the Fox, inquired if the water was good. Concealing his sad plight under a merry guise, the Fox indulged in a lavish praise of the water, saying it was excellent beyond measure, and encouraged the Goat to descend.

The Goat, mindful only of his thirst, thoughtlessly jumped down, but just as he drank, the Fox informed him of the predicament they were both in and suggested a plan for them both to escape.

"If," said the Fox, "you will place your forefeet upon the wall and bend your head, I will run up your back and jump to safety and will help you out afterwards."

The Goat readily assented and the Fox leaped upon his back. Steadying himself with the Goat's horns, he safely reached the mouth of the well and ran off as fast as he could.

When the Goat cried out after him, chastising him for breaking his promise, he turned around and said, "You foolish old fellow! If you had as many brains in your head as you have hairs in your beard, you would never have gone down before you had inspected the way up, nor would you have exposed yourself to dangers from which you had no means of escape."

The lesson to be learned fro the Goat's plight: Look before you leap.

Life Is Good In The South

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I said to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released back him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that damn snake, with two more frogs.

Life is good in the South.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Church Gossip

Agnes was the church gossip and although many disapproved of this, they feared her enough to keep silent.

But, she made a mistake when she accused Jim of being a drunk after she saw his truck parked in front of the town's bar, saying, "Anyone who saw it there, knows what he was doing."

Upon overhearing this, Jim stared at her for a moment and then walked away. He didn't explain, defend himself, or deny it. He said nothing.

But that evening, Jim parked his pickup in front of Agnes' house, and left it there, and the neighbors saw it parked there all night.

The Decision

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a multi-car pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... well... something happened. I'm trying to break this to you gently, but the fact is, your member was severed in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to reconstruct a new one that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, this is an intimate subject, so it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

The Celebration

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" exclaims the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Same Lunch On A New Day

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The brunette opens his lunch box to find cold pizza and says "Man, if I get cold pizza one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

The red-head opens his lunch box to find a bologna sandwich and says "Man, if I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says "Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.

That weekend, at the funeral, the brunette and red-head's wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch if he had only told me!"

They then notice that the blonde's wife is the only one not crying, so they both ask her why she isn't sad about her husbands death.

The blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."

Ten Things I Know About You

Without ever having met you, these are the ten things I know about you:

1. You are reading this.

2. You are human.

3. You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4. You just attempted to do it.

6. You are laughing at yourself.

7. You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9. You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10. You are probably going to send this to see who. else falls for it.

Friday, January 23, 2015

My Grandmother's Sick

Before her date arrived, Lisa called her friend, “Hi Jennifer, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Okay, great! Thank you.”

Lisa gave herself a quick spritz of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for her date.

Sure enough, after twenty minutes, Lisa was discreetly checking her watch.

After ten more long minutes, her phone finally buzzed. Lisa answered it and listened for a few seconds. Then she grimly pursed her lips and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I need to go home now.”

“No problem!” Said her date with a grin and a wink, “In a few more minutes my dog was about to get run over!”

Professor Bonk

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by a Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...

WHICH TIRE? (Worth 95 points)